A Growing Sense of Self

It has been since March that I have been traveling as a part of my job. Lots of miles, lots of hotels, lots of change and challenge. As I launched into my new role, my biggest concern was not about my ability to do the job, or even if I could produce results, my concern was about me. Could I survive apart from my wife. Would I be able to navigate thinking for myself, determining how to spend my time off hours, the alone time?

Early in our marriage, we developed some tendencies that while great in early marriage, have not served us well later in life. The biggest being emeshment - getting tangled up in. Simply put, it has to do with knowing where I begin and end as an individual. It is being responsible to others, not for others. It is owning my stuff and not making you responsible for it. It has been easy over the years to let my wife think for me. I have been able to hide behind the phrase, "I want you to be happy." This has played out in choosing restaurants, vacations, what to do on the weekends, etc... It has also played out in beliefs and values. We developed them together and not as unique individuals.

Working away from home is forcing me to act on my own. To live by my values and beliefs, not my wife's, not my parents, but mine. And, with each decision I make, I am learning things about myself, that I do have opinions, that I do like things a certain way. I also am appreciating in new ways what my wife has brought to the relationship, but I am most excited about discovering me. I think it is easy for us to lose ourselves in relationship. We must fight to maintain a sense of self. I am slowly growing in this area as we continue to live together apart.


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Continuing to Learn

It is Saturday afternoon, and I am enjoying my favorite past time. Reading about things that interest me while smoking a cigar. Many who know me would assume it is the cigar that I enjoy most, but it truly is learning and expanding my knowledge about things that matter that excites me most. While I sit on my patio in 70 degree weather, I am catching up on news, sports, and the many other topics that find their way to my Ipad. Today, the article that has me thinking the most is 10 Lessons I Learned from the End of My Marriage by Lisa Arends.

Before you all make assumptions, I am not thinking of ending my marriage. I was not searching the Internet for articles on Divorce (It was actually Marriage that I was searching on). Rather, with Darla and I learning how to live together, apart, I was looking for insight that could help us stay more connected, more intimate, despite the introduction of miles. I have been wondering what changes will need to occur in my marriage in order for it to become stronger as life changes, careers progress, and we both continue to grow both individually and together. Some of the lessons Lisa talks about are very valuable.

Happiness is My Choice. Lisa talked about telling her husband that "He made her happy." She meant this as a way to tell him how important he was to her. However, she realized, that she was in charge of her own happiness, and that it was unfair to place that burden on her husband. I am a lot like Lisa. I often look to Darla to be the source of my happiness rather than take responsibility for my own. As a result I find myself sitting around waiting for Darla, thinking that a relationship means spending as much time as possible together. I can find myself feeling hurt when Darla makes choices to spend time with her friends or if her plans don't ALWAYS include me. How has a healthier view? It is not fair that I put Darla in a place of being responsible for my happiness. As I am away from home, I have had to do this for myself. And, when I come back home, it is sticking. This is such an important lesson, and one that I need to teach my kids and everyone else who struggles with this.

"Knew" is not the same as "Know". What I took away from this simple point is that we are all changing and growing. My spouse is not the same person she was at 13 when we met, at 20 when we married, at 46 when our oldest got married, or at 50 as I write this. I need to continue to work on getting to know my wife, and letting her know me. We are not the same and it only makes sense that our relationship is growing and changing as well. How awesome to think that our relationship is not stagnant. How sad to think that I often fight to keep it from changing instead of enjoying and anticipating what is unfolding as something different and exciting.

Life is not a Waiting Room. I would like to think that I live in the here and now, enjoying each moment. But I have to admit that I probably spend more time saving, planning, working towards the future. As a result I am missing out on what can be enjoyed each day. I don't want to miss out on life with Darla, by preparing to live life tomorrow. We have no idea of what tomorrow may bring. I need to make the best of today, and that means enjoying both with Darla and when Darla is not with me (and she usually is not with me when I am enjoying a cigar - imagine that).

Holding is out of Love; Clinging is out of Fear. I have been a clinger I am afraid. I can hear Darla telling me that sometimes I am suffocating her. I story it that I want to spend time with her, to be connected, but if I am truly honest, it is because I fear that she might grow tired of me, that I might not be enough for her, that the reason she is pursuing her doctorate is because I can not stimulate her thinking the way she needs. Love truly is about holding the relationship and Darla with an open hand, allowing her to grow and pursue her passions as she allows me to do the same. It is about seeing relationship as something that grows stronger by letting it expand rather than trying to control its direction and outcome.

So, all this to say, I am learning. I am learning more about me than about our relationship. I am seeing at almost 50, I still have a lot to learn. Lisa's article is just another reminder of things I need to work on as I continue to find ways to live my life and my relationship with Darla to the fullest. It also helps me not fear Living Together Apart. I am loving the journey.


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Here We Go Again

If last summer was the experiment, the test is now over and we are moving into the real life phase. A new job promotion means I will be away from home most of the week and back on weekends. Living together apart will now be the norm. The only difference from the test is that I am the one away from home. As we practice this new lifestyle and create new rhythms, we will hope to capture what we learn here. Two weeks in so there will be posts following soon.


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third time's a charm

I am really tired tonight. I have been putting lots of anxious energy into a important paper, and I am beat. To reward myself, after work today I went running. It was hot - 92 degrees - but the trails were dry and in the shade. Along the way I scared away a deer. Her hind legs bounced as high as my shoulders and she moved so quickly. I stopped and watched her go.

On one of my favorite parts of the trail there was a fallen tree. It fell after the last batch of thunder storms a week or so ago. When I first approached the fallen tree, a couple of days ago, I determined to jump over it. It did not seem very big . . . until I tried to jump over it. The first time, I tried to leap with my left foot forward. I did not make it; but I realized I needed to put my foot near the top of the fallen tree and have forward momentum. I tried a second time, with my right/dominate foot. That was worse. So, I ran back up the trail, yet another time. With a good amount of bounding up to the fallen tree, I made it over. Third time's a charm.

This scenario is pretty typical for me. I try most things in stages and with varying degrees of effort. Almost always, I fail on my first attempt. For example, I am good at turning in papers that are mostly good - but need a bit more work. My presentations are fairly good, most of the time, but could use more focus. My work on the job is usually good, but could always use another read through or detail check. You get the picture.

Today, upon approaching the fallen tree I said to myself, "leap over it on the first time, darla." I bounded to the fallen tree and . . . just about made it, but no go. So, I turned around, ran up the hill a bit farther, and approached the tree with all of my energy and focus directed forward, and I made it. This time in two leaps. Ha ha! Delight!

What do I learn about myself from this silly adventure? I like risk as long as I can ease my way into it. It takes practice for me to learn something new. I do not always put my full energy and focus into things the first time or two. I am pretty darned determined.

It is good to know these things about myself. It helps me realize that I am tired of feeling bad about myself for not making it over the first or even the second time. What I want to focus on is the good of me. I want to relax and know that with focused energy, I can make the leap, even if takes me a couple of times.

What is Different With Darla in Spokane

With the summer rushing by I have been asking myself, "How is it different with Darla Living in Spokane for the summer (actually she is in Hayden, ID).
Here is a quick but not all encompassing list:

* I'm always the last one up in the morning, which according to our agreement means I always have to make the bed.
* it is always my turn to make dinner
* I no longer wonder who didn't flush
* It is safe to say Darla wasn't the one who finished the ice cream
* it is my turn to feed the dog, every time
* I can listen to my music as loud as I want, as long as I want
* if I wanted, I could smoke my cigars in the house. I don't, but I could
* There is no question who didn't do the dishes.
* If I run out of clean clothes it is because I didn't do the wash.
* Every chore is my chore
* yep, it was me who left the lights on.
* I get to be in charge of the remote control. Wait, I was in control even when Darla was home.

It seems in some ways determining who will do what has become greatly simplified. Can't wait for things to become a little more complex again.


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Living Together Apart - Another Way to do Marriage

As Darla and I continue through the summer living in separate states, see earlier posters for the reason why, I have become increasingly interested in others who might be doing the same thing. I mean really, do other married people do this? Why be married if you are going to live apart for anymore than a few weeks, right?

Well doing a little research opened my eyes to a whole new idea of marriage. Wikipedia defines a new definition called LAT or Living Apart Together. Research indicates that between 6% to 9% of marriages in the US have partners who live in different locations. The reasons for doing so very from attending school, to jobs, to later in life marriages that don't fit traditional models. Those in the military have lived this way. Long Haul Truck Drivers, Firemen, Oil Rig Workers, and many others live variations of this. Many talk of this set up for their marriages as something that makes their marriages work. They still talk of intimacy, love and connection, it's just that it looks different than the traditional way marriage was taught or modeled.

For me, our LAT experiment has allowed me to grow as an individual. After 28 years of being together day in and day out, it is easy to forget who you are apart from your spouse. I am in the process of rediscovering who I am. Having to decide how to spend my time, what to do, only based on my wants and desires, is a very eye opening thing. I don't have to wonder if Darla will like what I am having for dinner, what I am watching on tv, how much time i am spending on my IPad, because she is not there and it doesn't impact her. As a result I am left with doing what I truly want to do, unhindered by others. It's not that I am doing anything really different, it is just that I am doing what I truly want to do. This is the way I want to be when our experiment comes to completion at the end of the summer. I want to be fully aware of me, as Darla and I make decisions and navigate life.

I have also found that our intimacy is increasing(at least for me) during this time. In part I believe it is due to our being more intentional in our communication, and in our time together. Obviously we are both learning a great deal about ourselves during this time, and our sharing these things allows us to connect at a deep level. But, it also has to do with the quality of our communication. Not being together daily means I am more attentive and work harder to hear and understand what Darla is saying. In other words, I want to make the most of each moment.

While I don't completely get LAT, I don't see it as scary or bad. In fact, as Darla and I keep pursuing personal and professional growth, I think we will be experimenting more and more with Living Apart Together.
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Fears of Aloneness Unrealized

I am a notorious people watcher. In malls, at parks, in airports, you name it, I love to watch people. I make up stories about them, their jobs, their happiness, how much they make, their marriages, in the time it takes them to walk by I have created an incredible picture of each of their lives. The saddest stories usually are the result of someone eating in a restaurant alone. Are they divorced, did their spouse die, how did they end up with no one to eat dinner with? As Darla left for Spokane a few weeks back, my deepest fear was that I would eat every meal, spend all my free time, as one of these sad stories, alone!

As I prepared for her heading off to school for the summer I started thinking through who are my friends? Do they have time for me? You see, my orientation has always been to head home to spend time with Darla. That is what I'm suppose to do, right? True love means having no other interests to distract my attention from her, right? I can hear some of you groaning right now, how smothering, how one dimensional, how unfulfilling. Yet, that is how I have been interpreting love, marriage, and relationship for the last 28 years. To want to spend time apart from Darla would indicate something was wrong with my marriage. Now that Darla would be gone for a few weeks I had to ask, had I really developed any other relationships over the years?

I have friends who go hunting for weeks at a time without their spouse. My mom is married to a great guy who heads overseas for a week or two to pursue his passion. Their marriages aren't bad or wrong. This realization is causing me to redefine my understanding and to see that it is ok to not want to spend every waking minute with Darla. It is ok to say I want to go to an Oregon Ducks football game with friends, or that hanging at the beach sounds better than volunteering for the Hood to Coast Relay. It doesn't mean I love her less, or that we have problems. In fact it may indicate a healthy relationship that is becoming well defined.

So with all my fear of being alone I was amazed as invites to do things started to show up. There was dinner with my boss, drinks with some work partners, downtown with a buddy, and a quick trip to Seattle with my

daughter. I realized that if I started to become aware of the opportunities, and make a few connections, my fears of loneliness would not materialize. If I would step out instead of isolate, there is plenty to do.

Sure I enjoy spending time with Darla, but there are things I enjoy doing that Darla doesn't, and it is ok to do those things without her. In the end I think it makes us both better people, and makes the time we are together that much more enjoyable and meaningful, like today's hike in Idaho (yep, I flew out last night). There is sure lots to learn about self, life and relationship when not spending every minute, or every day, together.

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Keeping House is Hard

Sure I help out around the house, or at least I thought I did. I clean the bathrooms, I do the grocery shopping, I make the bed when I'm the last one up. I even do the cooking on most nights when we eat in. I'm a huge contributor to the daily operation of the Samuelson household, right? Well, I might not have been doing as much as I thought. I would carry the clothes basket down, but Darla would do the laundry, I would watch TV in the family room, but Darla would vacuum the house, on a rare occasion I might get the mail, but Darla would pay the bills. Darla would feed the dog, sweep the floors, dust, wash windows, clean the fridge. I programmed the thermostat, took out the garbage, and took care of the hot tub. Darla took care of her car, I took care of mine. Birthday cakes and entertaining are her realm. Decorating and choosing paint color, in fact, even painting, falls to her. I have someone do the yard while I smoke cigars and drink beer.

Obviously, with Darla in Spokane this summer, she isn't doing as much around the house. Much of it falls on me. I would have never guessed how much hair falls off the dog and onto the floor. Where does all the dust come from and how does it get in the house? I have found that I hate sorting mail, paying bills and watering the indoor plants (I am now a believer that plants belong outside). I never realized that the cups I take downstairs when watching tv, don't walk themselves to the sink. In short I am realizing that my partner, my roomy, my best friend, does far more than I realized, and I'm afraid to say, a bit more than I do around here. I have taken a clean house for granted. I have enjoyed not looking at our finances. I didn't even mention her role as activity coordinator, planner of vacations, and promotor of physical and emotional health and well being.

When you live in close proximity it is easy to miss what is happening right in front of you. When things are magically getting done you don't realize the hard work being done by another. But when there is extended time apart, and those other tasks become yours, you notice real fast what you didn't before. I cringe to think of the complaining I do over my small list of contributions, but am becoming so very grateful for all Darla has done over the years. We may need to rethink a few things around here when Darla gets back, I may need to step up a little bit more.

Just another thing I am learning during this summers experiment of living apart.

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anxieties in learning and knowing

This is week 2.5 of our experiment. What did I do over the week? Which things did I make happen for myself and which things did I fall into? My desire is that I would notice both of these things ~ to learn more about what I am most drawn to and why. For example, I found myself spending too much time working and not enough time in my studies; isn't that weird? Sometimes I will do anything to put off reading/writing. Hee, hee! I put in 5 good days of running. I ran in the pouring rain, through thick and slick mud holes, and up and down the hills of a 10 mile loop that runs right next to the lake. So, work and running are things I fall into.


What was more difficult and what I had to make myself do, was meet with my friends. Setting up times to meet took initiative. First I had to skype, call, or email them. I battled thoughts like, "Do I really have the time?" Then I had to plan to drive to meet them thinking things like, "Do I really want to spend the money for gas?" As I write this I realize it sounds very odd because at home this is something I fall into, but here it is different. Each choice I made towards work or running were just there ~ like automatic pilot. The choices that I had to predetermine would be good for me, like going out and having fun, were not easy. I had to be intentional to make them happen.

I wonder if it has to do with my underlying anxieties. My Gonzaga friends and I speak the same language - PhD language. It is filled with names and theories that have taken away the way we made sense of life and meaning in the world, leaving us with getting used to living in questions and looking for new connections and understandings. Underlying our conversations are anxieties like, "Am I going to make it through this program?"or "Will my friends or spouse hang-in with me until this is over?" or "After graduating, am I going to make enough to pay back my loans?" We talk about how PhD work is lonely work. We spend hours alone learning very interesting things that sound great on paper, and will hopefully do some good in the world. When we come up for air, there are not many still waiting for us. Face it ~ few people like to talk about Derrida and Deconstructionism, or Barad and Performativity. Yet thinking in theories makes the world come alive for us. Again, how weird.

I wonder if taking the initiative to meet with friends is difficult for me because in our conversation I experience my anxieties differently then when I am alone. When I am alone, my anxiety is noticeable. I try to tend to it. I like to feel in control (falsely, I know). However, when spending time with friends, I do not notice anxiety right away. It lingers underneath the surface ~ waiting till I am alone again. Maybe the part "to know" of myself is to be more attuned to anxiety when I am with friends. To tend to it then, like when I am alone. Because, after spending time with my friends I feel alive ~ more connected to life that is dynamic and a bit chaotic. I need this time. I need my friends. Very similar to being with Rick. Hm...

The Walk

Tonight, like most nights, Surf and I headed out to the park for our daily walk. Down the trail, through the trees, past the covered picnic area, out to the wet lands then up to the high school fields. Most nights Darla is there to motivate me when I'd rather night go, to pass the time with a good conversation, and to pick up the poop when Surf does his thing. The last two weeks with Dar in Spokane I have had to find ways to motivate myself, pick the direction, and scoop up the evidence.

I hate to say it, but most of my married life Darla has been the motivator, the catalyst, the one pushing me out the door with the dog. I have been dependent on her to kick me into gear. Yet now, I am having to become my own prompter. No one else is here to make me do it. I either go or I don't. I am the only one here responsible for me. Makes it hard to make others responsible for me, or blame them when they aren't here. It also makes me wonder why I have not taken responsibility for this area of my life when others have been around.

This last week I took another type of walk. This one was an emotional trail. From high to low to high to low. Work was tough, there was some good news about the future, and a bunch of life stuff thrown in. Much like the walk in the park, I realized I have somehow over the years put Darla in the position of being responsible for my emotional well being. I have looked to her to make me feel good about my self when I feel bad, to get me out of my funk when I am stuck. I have made her responsible for how I feel. It's not fair, that's not her job. She can empathize, come along side, even console, but only I can be responsible for how I feel. I need to be able to recognize and change direction when I am stuck. Darla is not responsible for me, only I can be responsible for me. With no one here to look to, it is pretty clear to me I have to be the one to step up.

It is funny the things you learn about yourself when their is no one else to distract you. It's also scary what you learn. Regardless of what kind of walking I am doing, it is apparent that I am to big to have others do it for me. Here's to growing up this summer.




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experiencing connection experimentally

This "experiment" of me living in Idaho and Rick in Portland, is something that evolved. It started because I was taking Quantitative Research Methods and did not think I could manage the course work, work full time, and travel to and from Spokane. I thought cutting out the travel would give me enough time to learn statistics. It has evolved into something different.

What do I want in the six weeks of this experiment?  I do not want to be away from those I love most in life. It is painful and lonely. I will miss out on the familiarity and comfort of my daily rhythm with Rick. Some may say it is irresponsible or unloving. I, however, sense that this time is my being responsible to Rick and to myself. By learning to live into my deepest truth, I will learn to live into truly loving. How can I love if I do not know myself? In the next six weeks I want to experience truth so that I can move towards loving ~ truly.

One more layer  ~ it seems paradoxical to increase distance between me and those I love in order to truly love them. Distance, however, occurs without me ever leaving Portland. I have lived distant from my emotions and from my feelings for most of my life. It is a skill that has served me well in situations where one needs to appear level headed and self assured. The "different" kind of distance can move into living in a false sense of intimacy . . . close in proximity but distant in connection. When I am alone, the emotional distance collapses. I breathe more easily and try not be distant with my self. Seminary education has trained me well to be reflective and look deeply. Living in Idaho for six weeks, therefore, gives me the space to come to into a deeper sense of knowing my self and what I hold in/close/hide. I will be distant from Portland yet close/connected to my self. My posts will be about my experiences (and adventures) along the way.

Thanks for reading.

The Experiment Begins

My wife of almost 29 years, and I, are trying something new. We are experimenting with living in separate states for the next 6 weeks. Doctoral studies require her to be there, my job requires me to be here. Funny thing is we have both been traveling in opposite directions the last 2 weeks, so it isn't new. However, saying good bye yesterday was different. It had more to do with destination. The last two weeks the destination has always been home. Short trips, a few phone calls, and then face to face. This time her destination is someplace else. She will settle in there for awhile, I will stay here. There will be lots of phone calls, some Skype, a few trips along the way for short visits. It all feels very different.

She called at noon yesterday to tell me she was finally on the road. I felt my emotions go flat. Heading home after work was with the realization that there wasn't much to anticipate, except for a waiting dog, who would want to be fed and need a walk. I would be cooking for one, making decisions for one. It feels very different.

At the same time there are a few life issues I want to work out over the next six weeks. I live life very enmeshed, always trying to please others. I often let what I assume they may be thinking sway my decision. It's gotten to the point that I have stopped asking what do I want to do and instead I have been living based on what I think others would want me to do. Over the last I have become increasingly aware of this and am working to change. For the next six weeks it will be just me, to a certain extent, determining what I want to do, to focus on, to invest time in. It feels very different.

It is going to be an interesting experiment. One with an end date. One in which I am trusting that growth will come. In the mean time, I leave in three days to go see where she is hanging out.

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