anxieties in learning and knowing

This is week 2.5 of our experiment. What did I do over the week? Which things did I make happen for myself and which things did I fall into? My desire is that I would notice both of these things ~ to learn more about what I am most drawn to and why. For example, I found myself spending too much time working and not enough time in my studies; isn't that weird? Sometimes I will do anything to put off reading/writing. Hee, hee! I put in 5 good days of running. I ran in the pouring rain, through thick and slick mud holes, and up and down the hills of a 10 mile loop that runs right next to the lake. So, work and running are things I fall into.


What was more difficult and what I had to make myself do, was meet with my friends. Setting up times to meet took initiative. First I had to skype, call, or email them. I battled thoughts like, "Do I really have the time?" Then I had to plan to drive to meet them thinking things like, "Do I really want to spend the money for gas?" As I write this I realize it sounds very odd because at home this is something I fall into, but here it is different. Each choice I made towards work or running were just there ~ like automatic pilot. The choices that I had to predetermine would be good for me, like going out and having fun, were not easy. I had to be intentional to make them happen.

I wonder if it has to do with my underlying anxieties. My Gonzaga friends and I speak the same language - PhD language. It is filled with names and theories that have taken away the way we made sense of life and meaning in the world, leaving us with getting used to living in questions and looking for new connections and understandings. Underlying our conversations are anxieties like, "Am I going to make it through this program?"or "Will my friends or spouse hang-in with me until this is over?" or "After graduating, am I going to make enough to pay back my loans?" We talk about how PhD work is lonely work. We spend hours alone learning very interesting things that sound great on paper, and will hopefully do some good in the world. When we come up for air, there are not many still waiting for us. Face it ~ few people like to talk about Derrida and Deconstructionism, or Barad and Performativity. Yet thinking in theories makes the world come alive for us. Again, how weird.

I wonder if taking the initiative to meet with friends is difficult for me because in our conversation I experience my anxieties differently then when I am alone. When I am alone, my anxiety is noticeable. I try to tend to it. I like to feel in control (falsely, I know). However, when spending time with friends, I do not notice anxiety right away. It lingers underneath the surface ~ waiting till I am alone again. Maybe the part "to know" of myself is to be more attuned to anxiety when I am with friends. To tend to it then, like when I am alone. Because, after spending time with my friends I feel alive ~ more connected to life that is dynamic and a bit chaotic. I need this time. I need my friends. Very similar to being with Rick. Hm...