Tonight, like most nights, Surf and I headed out to the park for our daily walk. Down the trail, through the trees, past the covered picnic area, out to the wet lands then up to the high school fields. Most nights Darla is there to motivate me when I'd rather night go, to pass the time with a good conversation, and to pick up the poop when Surf does his thing. The last two weeks with Dar in Spokane I have had to find ways to motivate myself, pick the direction, and scoop up the evidence.
I hate to say it, but most of my married life Darla has been the motivator, the catalyst, the one pushing me out the door with the dog. I have been dependent on her to kick me into gear. Yet now, I am having to become my own prompter. No one else is here to make me do it. I either go or I don't. I am the only one here responsible for me. Makes it hard to make others responsible for me, or blame them when they aren't here. It also makes me wonder why I have not taken responsibility for this area of my life when others have been around.
This last week I took another type of walk. This one was an emotional trail. From high to low to high to low. Work was tough, there was some good news about the future, and a bunch of life stuff thrown in. Much like the walk in the park, I realized I have somehow over the years put Darla in the position of being responsible for my emotional well being. I have looked to her to make me feel good about my self when I feel bad, to get me out of my funk when I am stuck. I have made her responsible for how I feel. It's not fair, that's not her job. She can empathize, come along side, even console, but only I can be responsible for how I feel. I need to be able to recognize and change direction when I am stuck. Darla is not responsible for me, only I can be responsible for me. With no one here to look to, it is pretty clear to me I have to be the one to step up.
It is funny the things you learn about yourself when their is no one else to distract you. It's also scary what you learn. Regardless of what kind of walking I am doing, it is apparent that I am to big to have others do it for me. Here's to growing up this summer.
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when Holly travels and the kids are busy I face very similar things...WHAT do I actually motivate myself for; WHY? (or why not)...and especially understand the thick wriggle of taking responsibility for our own emotions. Why is it so easy to throw emotions around like name-tags? Glad you're REALLY spending time with yourself. Rooting hard in Kansas
ReplyDeleteHey Rick,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your feelings. Nathan and I have had many struggles in our journey together and our relationship is also relatively new, especially in comparison to you and Darla, but some things seem to be more a part of personalities and ways of being that transcend time and particularities. All this to say, that when we root for you we do so out of an understanding that true intimacy and growing up is hard work. It's like our psyche's take four times as long to catch up to our bodies in terms of growth. I love that you are blogging this journey. It's inspirational. -
Holly