experiencing connection experimentally

This "experiment" of me living in Idaho and Rick in Portland, is something that evolved. It started because I was taking Quantitative Research Methods and did not think I could manage the course work, work full time, and travel to and from Spokane. I thought cutting out the travel would give me enough time to learn statistics. It has evolved into something different.

What do I want in the six weeks of this experiment?  I do not want to be away from those I love most in life. It is painful and lonely. I will miss out on the familiarity and comfort of my daily rhythm with Rick. Some may say it is irresponsible or unloving. I, however, sense that this time is my being responsible to Rick and to myself. By learning to live into my deepest truth, I will learn to live into truly loving. How can I love if I do not know myself? In the next six weeks I want to experience truth so that I can move towards loving ~ truly.

One more layer  ~ it seems paradoxical to increase distance between me and those I love in order to truly love them. Distance, however, occurs without me ever leaving Portland. I have lived distant from my emotions and from my feelings for most of my life. It is a skill that has served me well in situations where one needs to appear level headed and self assured. The "different" kind of distance can move into living in a false sense of intimacy . . . close in proximity but distant in connection. When I am alone, the emotional distance collapses. I breathe more easily and try not be distant with my self. Seminary education has trained me well to be reflective and look deeply. Living in Idaho for six weeks, therefore, gives me the space to come to into a deeper sense of knowing my self and what I hold in/close/hide. I will be distant from Portland yet close/connected to my self. My posts will be about my experiences (and adventures) along the way.

Thanks for reading.