Fears of Aloneness Unrealized

I am a notorious people watcher. In malls, at parks, in airports, you name it, I love to watch people. I make up stories about them, their jobs, their happiness, how much they make, their marriages, in the time it takes them to walk by I have created an incredible picture of each of their lives. The saddest stories usually are the result of someone eating in a restaurant alone. Are they divorced, did their spouse die, how did they end up with no one to eat dinner with? As Darla left for Spokane a few weeks back, my deepest fear was that I would eat every meal, spend all my free time, as one of these sad stories, alone!

As I prepared for her heading off to school for the summer I started thinking through who are my friends? Do they have time for me? You see, my orientation has always been to head home to spend time with Darla. That is what I'm suppose to do, right? True love means having no other interests to distract my attention from her, right? I can hear some of you groaning right now, how smothering, how one dimensional, how unfulfilling. Yet, that is how I have been interpreting love, marriage, and relationship for the last 28 years. To want to spend time apart from Darla would indicate something was wrong with my marriage. Now that Darla would be gone for a few weeks I had to ask, had I really developed any other relationships over the years?

I have friends who go hunting for weeks at a time without their spouse. My mom is married to a great guy who heads overseas for a week or two to pursue his passion. Their marriages aren't bad or wrong. This realization is causing me to redefine my understanding and to see that it is ok to not want to spend every waking minute with Darla. It is ok to say I want to go to an Oregon Ducks football game with friends, or that hanging at the beach sounds better than volunteering for the Hood to Coast Relay. It doesn't mean I love her less, or that we have problems. In fact it may indicate a healthy relationship that is becoming well defined.

So with all my fear of being alone I was amazed as invites to do things started to show up. There was dinner with my boss, drinks with some work partners, downtown with a buddy, and a quick trip to Seattle with my

daughter. I realized that if I started to become aware of the opportunities, and make a few connections, my fears of loneliness would not materialize. If I would step out instead of isolate, there is plenty to do.

Sure I enjoy spending time with Darla, but there are things I enjoy doing that Darla doesn't, and it is ok to do those things without her. In the end I think it makes us both better people, and makes the time we are together that much more enjoyable and meaningful, like today's hike in Idaho (yep, I flew out last night). There is sure lots to learn about self, life and relationship when not spending every minute, or every day, together.

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