Keeping House is Hard

Sure I help out around the house, or at least I thought I did. I clean the bathrooms, I do the grocery shopping, I make the bed when I'm the last one up. I even do the cooking on most nights when we eat in. I'm a huge contributor to the daily operation of the Samuelson household, right? Well, I might not have been doing as much as I thought. I would carry the clothes basket down, but Darla would do the laundry, I would watch TV in the family room, but Darla would vacuum the house, on a rare occasion I might get the mail, but Darla would pay the bills. Darla would feed the dog, sweep the floors, dust, wash windows, clean the fridge. I programmed the thermostat, took out the garbage, and took care of the hot tub. Darla took care of her car, I took care of mine. Birthday cakes and entertaining are her realm. Decorating and choosing paint color, in fact, even painting, falls to her. I have someone do the yard while I smoke cigars and drink beer.

Obviously, with Darla in Spokane this summer, she isn't doing as much around the house. Much of it falls on me. I would have never guessed how much hair falls off the dog and onto the floor. Where does all the dust come from and how does it get in the house? I have found that I hate sorting mail, paying bills and watering the indoor plants (I am now a believer that plants belong outside). I never realized that the cups I take downstairs when watching tv, don't walk themselves to the sink. In short I am realizing that my partner, my roomy, my best friend, does far more than I realized, and I'm afraid to say, a bit more than I do around here. I have taken a clean house for granted. I have enjoyed not looking at our finances. I didn't even mention her role as activity coordinator, planner of vacations, and promotor of physical and emotional health and well being.

When you live in close proximity it is easy to miss what is happening right in front of you. When things are magically getting done you don't realize the hard work being done by another. But when there is extended time apart, and those other tasks become yours, you notice real fast what you didn't before. I cringe to think of the complaining I do over my small list of contributions, but am becoming so very grateful for all Darla has done over the years. We may need to rethink a few things around here when Darla gets back, I may need to step up a little bit more.

Just another thing I am learning during this summers experiment of living apart.

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anxieties in learning and knowing

This is week 2.5 of our experiment. What did I do over the week? Which things did I make happen for myself and which things did I fall into? My desire is that I would notice both of these things ~ to learn more about what I am most drawn to and why. For example, I found myself spending too much time working and not enough time in my studies; isn't that weird? Sometimes I will do anything to put off reading/writing. Hee, hee! I put in 5 good days of running. I ran in the pouring rain, through thick and slick mud holes, and up and down the hills of a 10 mile loop that runs right next to the lake. So, work and running are things I fall into.


What was more difficult and what I had to make myself do, was meet with my friends. Setting up times to meet took initiative. First I had to skype, call, or email them. I battled thoughts like, "Do I really have the time?" Then I had to plan to drive to meet them thinking things like, "Do I really want to spend the money for gas?" As I write this I realize it sounds very odd because at home this is something I fall into, but here it is different. Each choice I made towards work or running were just there ~ like automatic pilot. The choices that I had to predetermine would be good for me, like going out and having fun, were not easy. I had to be intentional to make them happen.

I wonder if it has to do with my underlying anxieties. My Gonzaga friends and I speak the same language - PhD language. It is filled with names and theories that have taken away the way we made sense of life and meaning in the world, leaving us with getting used to living in questions and looking for new connections and understandings. Underlying our conversations are anxieties like, "Am I going to make it through this program?"or "Will my friends or spouse hang-in with me until this is over?" or "After graduating, am I going to make enough to pay back my loans?" We talk about how PhD work is lonely work. We spend hours alone learning very interesting things that sound great on paper, and will hopefully do some good in the world. When we come up for air, there are not many still waiting for us. Face it ~ few people like to talk about Derrida and Deconstructionism, or Barad and Performativity. Yet thinking in theories makes the world come alive for us. Again, how weird.

I wonder if taking the initiative to meet with friends is difficult for me because in our conversation I experience my anxieties differently then when I am alone. When I am alone, my anxiety is noticeable. I try to tend to it. I like to feel in control (falsely, I know). However, when spending time with friends, I do not notice anxiety right away. It lingers underneath the surface ~ waiting till I am alone again. Maybe the part "to know" of myself is to be more attuned to anxiety when I am with friends. To tend to it then, like when I am alone. Because, after spending time with my friends I feel alive ~ more connected to life that is dynamic and a bit chaotic. I need this time. I need my friends. Very similar to being with Rick. Hm...

The Walk

Tonight, like most nights, Surf and I headed out to the park for our daily walk. Down the trail, through the trees, past the covered picnic area, out to the wet lands then up to the high school fields. Most nights Darla is there to motivate me when I'd rather night go, to pass the time with a good conversation, and to pick up the poop when Surf does his thing. The last two weeks with Dar in Spokane I have had to find ways to motivate myself, pick the direction, and scoop up the evidence.

I hate to say it, but most of my married life Darla has been the motivator, the catalyst, the one pushing me out the door with the dog. I have been dependent on her to kick me into gear. Yet now, I am having to become my own prompter. No one else is here to make me do it. I either go or I don't. I am the only one here responsible for me. Makes it hard to make others responsible for me, or blame them when they aren't here. It also makes me wonder why I have not taken responsibility for this area of my life when others have been around.

This last week I took another type of walk. This one was an emotional trail. From high to low to high to low. Work was tough, there was some good news about the future, and a bunch of life stuff thrown in. Much like the walk in the park, I realized I have somehow over the years put Darla in the position of being responsible for my emotional well being. I have looked to her to make me feel good about my self when I feel bad, to get me out of my funk when I am stuck. I have made her responsible for how I feel. It's not fair, that's not her job. She can empathize, come along side, even console, but only I can be responsible for how I feel. I need to be able to recognize and change direction when I am stuck. Darla is not responsible for me, only I can be responsible for me. With no one here to look to, it is pretty clear to me I have to be the one to step up.

It is funny the things you learn about yourself when their is no one else to distract you. It's also scary what you learn. Regardless of what kind of walking I am doing, it is apparent that I am to big to have others do it for me. Here's to growing up this summer.




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experiencing connection experimentally

This "experiment" of me living in Idaho and Rick in Portland, is something that evolved. It started because I was taking Quantitative Research Methods and did not think I could manage the course work, work full time, and travel to and from Spokane. I thought cutting out the travel would give me enough time to learn statistics. It has evolved into something different.

What do I want in the six weeks of this experiment?  I do not want to be away from those I love most in life. It is painful and lonely. I will miss out on the familiarity and comfort of my daily rhythm with Rick. Some may say it is irresponsible or unloving. I, however, sense that this time is my being responsible to Rick and to myself. By learning to live into my deepest truth, I will learn to live into truly loving. How can I love if I do not know myself? In the next six weeks I want to experience truth so that I can move towards loving ~ truly.

One more layer  ~ it seems paradoxical to increase distance between me and those I love in order to truly love them. Distance, however, occurs without me ever leaving Portland. I have lived distant from my emotions and from my feelings for most of my life. It is a skill that has served me well in situations where one needs to appear level headed and self assured. The "different" kind of distance can move into living in a false sense of intimacy . . . close in proximity but distant in connection. When I am alone, the emotional distance collapses. I breathe more easily and try not be distant with my self. Seminary education has trained me well to be reflective and look deeply. Living in Idaho for six weeks, therefore, gives me the space to come to into a deeper sense of knowing my self and what I hold in/close/hide. I will be distant from Portland yet close/connected to my self. My posts will be about my experiences (and adventures) along the way.

Thanks for reading.

The Experiment Begins

My wife of almost 29 years, and I, are trying something new. We are experimenting with living in separate states for the next 6 weeks. Doctoral studies require her to be there, my job requires me to be here. Funny thing is we have both been traveling in opposite directions the last 2 weeks, so it isn't new. However, saying good bye yesterday was different. It had more to do with destination. The last two weeks the destination has always been home. Short trips, a few phone calls, and then face to face. This time her destination is someplace else. She will settle in there for awhile, I will stay here. There will be lots of phone calls, some Skype, a few trips along the way for short visits. It all feels very different.

She called at noon yesterday to tell me she was finally on the road. I felt my emotions go flat. Heading home after work was with the realization that there wasn't much to anticipate, except for a waiting dog, who would want to be fed and need a walk. I would be cooking for one, making decisions for one. It feels very different.

At the same time there are a few life issues I want to work out over the next six weeks. I live life very enmeshed, always trying to please others. I often let what I assume they may be thinking sway my decision. It's gotten to the point that I have stopped asking what do I want to do and instead I have been living based on what I think others would want me to do. Over the last I have become increasingly aware of this and am working to change. For the next six weeks it will be just me, to a certain extent, determining what I want to do, to focus on, to invest time in. It feels very different.

It is going to be an interesting experiment. One with an end date. One in which I am trusting that growth will come. In the mean time, I leave in three days to go see where she is hanging out.

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