experiencing connection experimentally

This "experiment" of me living in Idaho and Rick in Portland, is something that evolved. It started because I was taking Quantitative Research Methods and did not think I could manage the course work, work full time, and travel to and from Spokane. I thought cutting out the travel would give me enough time to learn statistics. It has evolved into something different.

What do I want in the six weeks of this experiment?  I do not want to be away from those I love most in life. It is painful and lonely. I will miss out on the familiarity and comfort of my daily rhythm with Rick. Some may say it is irresponsible or unloving. I, however, sense that this time is my being responsible to Rick and to myself. By learning to live into my deepest truth, I will learn to live into truly loving. How can I love if I do not know myself? In the next six weeks I want to experience truth so that I can move towards loving ~ truly.

One more layer  ~ it seems paradoxical to increase distance between me and those I love in order to truly love them. Distance, however, occurs without me ever leaving Portland. I have lived distant from my emotions and from my feelings for most of my life. It is a skill that has served me well in situations where one needs to appear level headed and self assured. The "different" kind of distance can move into living in a false sense of intimacy . . . close in proximity but distant in connection. When I am alone, the emotional distance collapses. I breathe more easily and try not be distant with my self. Seminary education has trained me well to be reflective and look deeply. Living in Idaho for six weeks, therefore, gives me the space to come to into a deeper sense of knowing my self and what I hold in/close/hide. I will be distant from Portland yet close/connected to my self. My posts will be about my experiences (and adventures) along the way.

Thanks for reading.

The Experiment Begins

My wife of almost 29 years, and I, are trying something new. We are experimenting with living in separate states for the next 6 weeks. Doctoral studies require her to be there, my job requires me to be here. Funny thing is we have both been traveling in opposite directions the last 2 weeks, so it isn't new. However, saying good bye yesterday was different. It had more to do with destination. The last two weeks the destination has always been home. Short trips, a few phone calls, and then face to face. This time her destination is someplace else. She will settle in there for awhile, I will stay here. There will be lots of phone calls, some Skype, a few trips along the way for short visits. It all feels very different.

She called at noon yesterday to tell me she was finally on the road. I felt my emotions go flat. Heading home after work was with the realization that there wasn't much to anticipate, except for a waiting dog, who would want to be fed and need a walk. I would be cooking for one, making decisions for one. It feels very different.

At the same time there are a few life issues I want to work out over the next six weeks. I live life very enmeshed, always trying to please others. I often let what I assume they may be thinking sway my decision. It's gotten to the point that I have stopped asking what do I want to do and instead I have been living based on what I think others would want me to do. Over the last I have become increasingly aware of this and am working to change. For the next six weeks it will be just me, to a certain extent, determining what I want to do, to focus on, to invest time in. It feels very different.

It is going to be an interesting experiment. One with an end date. One in which I am trusting that growth will come. In the mean time, I leave in three days to go see where she is hanging out.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad